What-if's

So I'm sitting with Lily on the floor watching her favorite - Mickey Mouse. First with me sitting, and her sitting in my lap. She inevitably squirms around and ends up with her head in my lap. I just sit there gently stroking her hair, "meeska-mouska-mickey-mouse!" playing in the background, thinking how did I EVER get so lucky. In that moment, I was content.  It strikes me that these peaceful still mornings will not last forever. I think If I could just bottle up this total content, still feeling for the inevitable hysteria that comes a long with teenage-dom. Just take a quick breath of contentedness while she's being pissed at me because I won't let her go anywhere that's not within my sight.

While I know this is not possible (the keeping her in my sight forever) I wish so badly that it was. I read these two incredible touching, incredibly sad stories about parents losing their babies (one pregnant with twins - read here. With a link to another story about a nine year old being swept away by a flooding creek - read here. Every time I read stories like this, the tears roll down my cheeks. Ever since I've become a Mom the tears come way easier. My brothers thought I was a cry baby when I was younger, take a look at me now guys - I'm a faucet!

I know how much my body just bursts with love when I think about, see, hear, feel, (etc.) Lily or anything that has to do with her. I can only imagine the terrifying notion that I would not be able to do any of that ever again. She wouldn't come up to me and push me away from the computer or the counter or whatever I'm doing to hand me a book "saying" - Mom, stop what you're doing and hang out with me for a minute. She's so persistent about it too, it's so endearing. She won't stop until I pry myself away from dishes, homework, or (I'll admit it) facebook. I love her for that. I won't have those moments forever. I LOVE HER FOR IT. She wouldn't grin and wave when I wake her up in the morning to spend a few minutes with Brandon before he leaves for work in the morning. She wouldn't do that breathless, excited...noise (I don't even know what to call it, but I'll know what I'm talking about) that she makes when she's overly excited about anything, but mostly about being outside and being able to walk/run/toddle (a word? - again, I know what I mean) along outside. She wouldn't wave at me when she's getting buckled in her car seat and I'm waiting outside the car (my door has to be opened from the inside because my car is old and falling apart). She wouldn't totally ignore me when I'm saying "Bye-Bye" when I'm getting ready to head into Wegmans because she doesn't want me to go. I could go on and on.

So, anyways - WHAT IF? What if I make that one decision to let her do something, that I can't take back and GOD FORBID something happens? Also, how did I survive my childhood?! I roamed the neighborhood hours on end growing up. I would leave in the morning and not come back until dusk. I really don't want to be one of those over bearing, crazy parents, but how can I not be? I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time and see how things go.

I love you Lily bug - and I hope upon hope that I never have to say that What If - that you will live a blessed life of love and happiness - find your soulmate, give me a ton of grandbabies, and live happily ever after.

I know it's blurry, but she is who I live for. I live for that smile, that grin, that pure happiness. I love my girly so much. She is such a blessing. Okay, I'm going to stop before I drive myself crazy. Have a great day!

Updates

[Lilybelle] She has started to blow kisses. Well, it's really more of putting the palm of her hand against her mouth, but she's getting there. It's so cute. She's not big on hugging or being held by people other than Brandon and I, so blowing kisses is a good way to show affection from afar.

[Transitions] The last few days I've been really noticing how she's transitioning into a full blown toddler. She's starting to do things for herself (wanting to do things for herself). She's outgrowing her bath chair, which makes me nervous but her long legs get stuck when I try to take her out. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't and is not afraid to tell me.

[Potty Training] We're still working on potty training. She's really doing it herself, with little effort on our part besides actually putting her up there and keeping her occupied until she goes. I think once she's really letting me know she needs to go potty, I'll be getting her some undies and we can start that transition.

[Weaning] Speaking of transitions, we're starting to wean her off of the bottle and milk. For two days in a row, she's gone down with a cup rather than her bottle and seems to be doing even better than she did with a bottle. It's more the milk I'm concerned about. With Brandon's teeth being so bad, I want to give her every possible advantage I can. So I've decided that every week we're going to start watering down her milk a little more, so eventually she's just having water at bedtime.

["Brushing"] She's "brushing" her teeth. Which really means she sucks the toothpaste off the tooth brush and is done. She's more interested in brushing my teeth than her own. I know that this is just practice and she'll get it. The only thing is, she associates being on the potty with brushing her teeth so every time she gets on the potty, she wants to brush her teeth. Usually I can head off a fit if I distract her, but sometimes I just have to get her down because she only wanted to be up there to get her toothbrush.

[Lots of Love for dada] Since I've started to work at Wegman's at night, she's been bonding with Brandon. She's way more affectionate with him. She's super excited when he gets home from work, runs up to him and gives him a hug and kisses. I know Brandon absolutely loves it.

[Saying Goodbye] So when I or Brandon have to leave for work, Lily doesn't like it. She won't even look at me when I'm saying "bye" because she doesn't want me to go (same with Brandon). So she just ignores us until we're out of sight and then she'll start blowing kisses and waving. It's like she thinks "If I don't say bye and wave then maybe they won't go". It's so cute, but at the same time very sad.

[Work] So work is very slow. It doesn't take four hours to do what I need to do. So I get my kicks by people watching. I'm not used to seeing people on a regular basis. I know that sounds sad and weird, yeah, ok it's sad and weird. Either way, now that I'm in contact with people more I remember how weird people are. I saw a lady yesterday with a full on body suit. Now, I'm not judging, really. It just astounded me. Good for her for having the confidence to go out of the house like that. Anyways, I've always enjoyed people watching and now I get to do it for sixteen hours a week. Whoo hoo.

16 Months

Lilybelle,
You are officially 16 months, kiddo! Even though you are determined to give your poor mom a heart attack by being the most fearless child I know, you've made it this far.

I'm not sure why I like this photo so much but it's probably one of my favorites. It shows you perfectly at the stage you are at. Curious about everything and determined to figure it out. You love playing with all of your shoes. Un-fastening them, re-fastening them. Every day you have your couple minutes with the shoes and we end up finding them all over the house.

We had a pediatrician appointment the other day. They always have to recheck your head circumference and height because you are tall and have a large head. Luckily you're still in the normal range for head circumference and your height isn't worrisome (really, that's how you spell it? That looks super goofy). You had four shots and you howled like normal. It makes me almost cry every time when your cry gets stuck in your throat it wants to come out so bad. Luckily you are usually fine by the time you hit the car.

You still love Mickey Mouse the best. You also love Elmo and Scout. You love to shake that booty and it cracks me up to no end! You're the best dancer I've ever seen, that's for sure. You are very smart, even if you're not verbalizing everything, you're trying and doing more every day. The pediatrician said not to worry about it.

I love you more than you could ever know. You are such a GOOD girl (and I'm not just saying that). You have seven teeth. Your four top and now three on the bottom. You sleep through the night pretty much every night unless your teeth are bothering you.

Because I've been working at Wegman's and dada has been putting you to sleep a lot, I can definitely tell you've been closer with him and it's so very sweet to see. You are giving hugs and kisses easier these days which I LOVE. When dada gets home from work, you always run up to him and give him hugs and kisses, which after a long day at work I know just melts his heart. You are better than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams girl and I'm so very lucky to call you mine.

xoxo mama xoxo

Changes

I was talking with my friend the other night, babbling really. We're both moving on to new chapters in our life. I just kept talking about turning pages or anything I could to keep off my mind off the fact that she's moving 1200 miles away and I won't see her or her boys for a while. Selfishly, that sucks balls. Being a good friend, I know she's doing what she needs to do and for that I salute her bravery.

 It takes unbelievable bravery to change everything you know and are used to, to make that hard decision and know that you're doing the right thing.

Thankfully for us, technology makes it incredibly easy to keep in touch across the many miles that will separate us.  Anyways, so I stop blubbering like a damn idiot sitting here by myself, I will move on to other things.

I changed the name of the blog and I'm really digging it. I'm hoping it will motivate me to update this more often.

[Lily] So every few months I obsess over whether Lily is hitting her milestones. I can tell myself all the time that kids will develop at their own rate and yet I still obsess.

 

So right now I'm obsessing about her speech. She really only says two things "All Done" (which is cool that she puts two words together) and "Hi" (She's really good at this!). Everything that I've read says she should be saying AT LEAST 10 words by 18 months, which means she still has a few months and a million things could change but it's something that I want to work with her on more closely.

 

She does sign a few more things. She's signing "please" and we're working on "Thank You". I say these words every time I sign them so she's getting the English as well as the sign language. I want to continue to learn more and teach her more at the same time as we're learning English because it's never a bad skill to have. I've said it enough times, why I can't accept it I don't know, "She'll get there when she gets there and not a moment sooner."

 

She really is so smart though, she's just not verbalizing everything. She can understand basic commands very well. We were over at my friends and her son was coloring in his highchair and he dropped some of his colored pencils. I said "Lily, can you please give that colored pencil back to Spencer?" She definitely had a moment of struggle with this, as what she really wanted to do was put it in her mouth and go play. She hesitatingly reached up and Spencer reached out, and she quickly changed her mind. I repeated myself, hoping that she'd do it again. SHE DID! She actually gave it to him this time. Go LILY!

 

 

 

It's amazing how much she changes all the time. Her bright blue eyes are one thing that hasn't changed, and for that I'm glad. She's such a gorgeous girl, she takes my breath away.

xoxo Shannon xoxo



Being thankful for what you have

I'm getting back to my happy place. I'm a happy person by nature, I've always been. It's one of the things that people most comment on. I've always had these periods (haha, not speaking of my menstrual cycle although I'm sure that has a little to do with it) where I go through an unhappy phase, where everything makes me sad and I'm constantly on the verge of depression. The fact that I can feel this and understand it does not help. I immerse myself in my unhappiness, dwell in it, and it consumes me. Anything and everything that could, does upset me. I hold onto it like a shield, I figure if I'm miserable already, then nothing can hurt or disappoint me. Then it could just be one little thing. One little glimmer of hope, of happiness that snaps me out of it. Yesterday was that day for me. I'm not even sure what it was, but I just started thinking positively, knowing that everything will work itself out and be ok.

Just for the record, I know I'm a serial comma user. I understand this and still can not help it. I apologize in advance if my poor comma usage annoys you. It annoys me sometimes, but oh well.

[Brandon] We have our moments that we're at each other's throats and just can't even look at each other without wanting to yell. We've been together for seven years, married for two. I think a big part of why we work well together is that we appreciate the little things. A please and thank you go a long way in keeping the peace. When I get in my "moods" I forget that those matter, and in turn Brandon does too. Then we get past it, and I find my coffee all set up for me in the morning when I've had a long night and I thank heaven that I have a thoughtful husband. We both have our own issues, things that drive the other bonkers. The bottom line is that we work well together and we love our daughter more than words could ever describe. When I see that love and feel that emotion towards her, I know I got a good great one. It makes me remember why we fell in love in the first place and begins to get me out of my funk. Seriously, "please" and "thank you" make all the difference in the world. Sometimes, a little appreciation is all someone needs, a little acknowledgement.

Things aren't easy right now. We are transitioning to a life we've never had before, and that is difficult for us. We've been doing the same thing for seven years now, so it's been difficult and scary to get used to this different life. To say money is tight is the understatement of the century, but we're figuring it out and we're going to fix it. We're doing what we need to do in order to stay afloat. It's going to be a long, hard journey, but well worth it. I just need to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel and not let myself get bogged down by the individual hardships.

I think that is what got me out of this latest funk. I took a step outside my life for a moment and realized that in a month, in a year, this is just going to be one spec of the journey and the hardship will be well worth it. For when I am done with my degree and can find that kickass dream job, or even start my own business, it will all be well worth it. You need struggles in life to keep you focused. If it's easy, it's not worth it, right?

Okay, so some updates. I got the job at Wegmans! Woohoo. That is going to help us considerably. It's not a ton of money or a ton of hours but it will fit in nicely with my school schedule. I had orientation last night, which is always lame and boring but I got through it. I have computer training tonight and they'll give me my schedule.

We had Brandon's birthday party/Jade's Sweet 16. It's always fun getting the family together. We are all so close, and I'm glad that Lilybelle sees her cousin's so often. Since she doesn't have a sibling (yet? well, not for a LONG while) I really want to develop her relationships with her cousins.

So 25 more days before I start school...EEK! I know I can do it, starting and staying motivated are going to be my biggest challenges but I have the best motivator there is: Lily. I want her to see that even if you don't succeed the first try, you always have the ability to try again and if you do your very best and work your very hardest, you will triumph. I want to be the best role model I can be, in every way. I don't want her to inherit my "moods". I want her to inherit my good, because I do have a lot of good. I'm smart, capable, and very hard working. I want her to know that there will be hard times, disappointments, and hurt - but that you can overcome that and get past it and be better for it.

Okay, I'm done.

 

 Bottom line: I love my husband. I love my daughter. It could be a lot worse and I'm going to be thankful for what I have, not miserable about the things that I don't.

Direction

I get really into writing on this, and then I lose interest or just lack motivation. This sucks, but as always, I'm going to try to get better. When I first started this it was really just meant as a journal to help me remember all those little moments with Lilybelle. Well, it's going to include everything.

As of last month, I officially became a student again. I'm incredibly excited about this, considering that dropping out of school has been one of my greatest regrets. I got in the work mode and then felt stuck. Change is so hard when you're so set in your ways and in your life. Change is really hard for me, my comfort zone is my life force. However, change is an important and necessary part of life and I just had to push myself to do it. I'm thankful that I am able to stay home with Lilybelle most days, so I will be able to complete my bachelor's degree online. I'm majoring in business administration and hoping that I can go on to get my MBA. This semester I will be taking a Spanish for Business class, a digital design class, and a "Legal environment of Business" class. I think that the Spanish class is going to be the most difficult for me because I have to do 2 video conferences a week and this will be hard to fit into my work schedule but I have to make school my second priority (Lilybelle being my first, always and forever) since I'm so very lucky to have this chance. Either way, the video conference is what I'm most nervous about. I think (hope) that I will just fall into learning again. I was good at it and I enjoyed it, so I hope it all comes back easily. 41 days and counting until I begin this crazy roller coaster.

So, I don't believe that the last time I wrote we had begun potty training Lily. She is only 15 months, but we (Brandon) put her on the potty about a month ago, and she went. So we continued just putting her on the potty. She's doing very well with it and goes just about every time we put her up there. I would have never even thought about starting for at least a year (Go Brandon for giving it a shot!) so it's amazing to me that she can comprehend it. We spend a lot of time in the bathroom these days because she can't tell me when she has to go. We're working on the sign for potty (it's like when you pretend to steal a child's nose - your thumb in between your index and middle finger and you shake your hand back and forth) but she hasn't done it yet. We just put her on there every hour or two to see if she has to go, and we say "potty" more than probably any other word these days. I was really afraid that we would push her too hard and she would just stop so we're pretty gentle about it and don't force her. So far she's been doing very well. She had a couple days last week where she would just sit up there and play but the last couple of days have been better. To have her potty trained before she's two would be amazing! So we're working on it. I think the most difficult part will be to get her to say or sign potty to let us know when she needs to go.

So I'm in the process of getting another part time job. I work at the warehouse with Brandon one day during the week while his mom watches Lily and then Saturday's while Brandon watches her. We need more, so I've applied to Wegman's (I LOVE Wegman's!) and have my third and final interview on Thursday. I'd just be working nights and weekends cleaning up the bakery, which is perfect for me! :) I'm very excited to be starting this whole new phase of my life and with my awesome daughter and supportive husband.

Oh, and Lily now has 4 teeth on top and two on the bottom. She's been teething hardcore and chewing up all her board books (and refusing the millions of teethers we give her) and her crib. Yesterday I found the chew marks on her crib, it looks like she's been trying to find an exit. We finally had to take the bumpers off because she was obviously trying to climb on them and I am NOT ready for her to be climbing out of her crib yet. She's definitely started her climbing phase though and I guess I just have to be ready for it. She's fearless and I think that's what scares me the most. She knows how to get down from anywhere safely (turning herself around and going feet first) but she has also just dived off my friend's child's slide head first, so I just have to be extra careful.

Anyways, I should probably accomplish something while she's "napping". She's had a hard time the last couple days with sleep. She fights it. Last night I had to get up with her three times, which is very unlike her. She's been sleeping through the night for a few months now, but every once in a while she'll just have a hard time. I think part of it is the weather. It's been so hot and muggy! We're coming up on a little less hot and humid few days here, so hopefully her sleep schedule will get back to normal. It seems like I have less patience for getting up in the middle of the night then I did when I was getting up three times a night, every night with her. Oh lord, she's in her room screaming. I should probably go get her. Bye for now.

A gem in a haystack

Yesterday I decided that I needed to go through my pictures of Lilybelle. I have one file with each month and at least one hundred pictures in each folder. Some blurry, some "ehh", and some that are kind of decent. I decided to make a "Best Of" in each months folder and pick my very favorites.

It was so amazing to go through all of those pictures and see how much she's changed since day one but at the same time still looks the same. So, anyways, on with the point. Looking through the photos, I can't say I have a favorite ONE, but I do have a favorite couple.

I think my photo taking is a little out of control. I have 1,880 files (includes videos) in my one folder of Lilybelle. This does not even count the pictures in other folders with her in them, just the ones of only her. I think the reason for this is that the photo's from my baby/toddler age were all lost in a fire and because we weren't near any of my mom's family when I was that age, they don't have any either. This is one of the youngest pictures I have of me, and it was when I was about 5.

Wasn't I a cutie? :)

 I want Lily to be able to look back and know exactly what she was doing, and what she looked like, and things she liked to do. I feel like I've gone a little overboard but I'd rather that than have little to nothing.

So yesterday was a beautiful day outside (a little hot, but nice in the shade) and I love going outside and spending time with her just walking in the grass and swinging in the baby swing. Also, when the sun is just right I can really catch a gem. This is the photo I got yesterday:

It's photographs like this that make all the lugging my camera up and down the stairs, editing, deleting, more editing, more deleting all very worth it.

As I was going through all the pictures, I deleted A LOT. It takes major commitment from me to delete any picture of her (unless it's unrecognizable). I just always feel like even though it's not "perfect" I could use it for something, it will be right one day. So, I found that if I give it some time after I have taken them then I have more of an unbiased opinion and can delete the worst of them.

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 So we're going through major teething, as I've said earlier. She's now banging her head on a lot. A this stage teether's only help so much. We had to get rid of a lot of them when she got her two bottom teeth, and the ones that we do have just don't seem to do the trick for her. She'll chew on them for a minute or two and then just throw them on the floor. It seems like board books have been her go-to teether for a bit now. She has to find something that gives just the right pressure to just the right place.

I've also learned that frozen fruit really helps her too. I buy bags of frozen mixed fruit, cut them up into small pieces and let her dig in. Not only does it feel good on her mouth, it's good for her. Also, I found whole wheat blueberry bagels at Wegman's that she loves! At first I just though she would gum it for a second and throw it away like everything else but she actually chewed on it for a long time and as it thawed (I gave her a big piece right out of the freezer) she chewed it and ate it.

Okay, I suppose I should clean my house a little too while Lily is sleeping. I'm still working on buttons, and pages and such but I'll get there. Have a wonderful Monday! I didn't have to go to work and I Lilybelle and I got to sleep in until 8, so an awesome Monday for me us :)