What-if's

So I'm sitting with Lily on the floor watching her favorite - Mickey Mouse. First with me sitting, and her sitting in my lap. She inevitably squirms around and ends up with her head in my lap. I just sit there gently stroking her hair, "meeska-mouska-mickey-mouse!" playing in the background, thinking how did I EVER get so lucky. In that moment, I was content.  It strikes me that these peaceful still mornings will not last forever. I think If I could just bottle up this total content, still feeling for the inevitable hysteria that comes a long with teenage-dom. Just take a quick breath of contentedness while she's being pissed at me because I won't let her go anywhere that's not within my sight.

While I know this is not possible (the keeping her in my sight forever) I wish so badly that it was. I read these two incredible touching, incredibly sad stories about parents losing their babies (one pregnant with twins - read here. With a link to another story about a nine year old being swept away by a flooding creek - read here. Every time I read stories like this, the tears roll down my cheeks. Ever since I've become a Mom the tears come way easier. My brothers thought I was a cry baby when I was younger, take a look at me now guys - I'm a faucet!

I know how much my body just bursts with love when I think about, see, hear, feel, (etc.) Lily or anything that has to do with her. I can only imagine the terrifying notion that I would not be able to do any of that ever again. She wouldn't come up to me and push me away from the computer or the counter or whatever I'm doing to hand me a book "saying" - Mom, stop what you're doing and hang out with me for a minute. She's so persistent about it too, it's so endearing. She won't stop until I pry myself away from dishes, homework, or (I'll admit it) facebook. I love her for that. I won't have those moments forever. I LOVE HER FOR IT. She wouldn't grin and wave when I wake her up in the morning to spend a few minutes with Brandon before he leaves for work in the morning. She wouldn't do that breathless, excited...noise (I don't even know what to call it, but I'll know what I'm talking about) that she makes when she's overly excited about anything, but mostly about being outside and being able to walk/run/toddle (a word? - again, I know what I mean) along outside. She wouldn't wave at me when she's getting buckled in her car seat and I'm waiting outside the car (my door has to be opened from the inside because my car is old and falling apart). She wouldn't totally ignore me when I'm saying "Bye-Bye" when I'm getting ready to head into Wegmans because she doesn't want me to go. I could go on and on.

So, anyways - WHAT IF? What if I make that one decision to let her do something, that I can't take back and GOD FORBID something happens? Also, how did I survive my childhood?! I roamed the neighborhood hours on end growing up. I would leave in the morning and not come back until dusk. I really don't want to be one of those over bearing, crazy parents, but how can I not be? I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time and see how things go.

I love you Lily bug - and I hope upon hope that I never have to say that What If - that you will live a blessed life of love and happiness - find your soulmate, give me a ton of grandbabies, and live happily ever after.

I know it's blurry, but she is who I live for. I live for that smile, that grin, that pure happiness. I love my girly so much. She is such a blessing. Okay, I'm going to stop before I drive myself crazy. Have a great day!