What-if's

So I'm sitting with Lily on the floor watching her favorite - Mickey Mouse. First with me sitting, and her sitting in my lap. She inevitably squirms around and ends up with her head in my lap. I just sit there gently stroking her hair, "meeska-mouska-mickey-mouse!" playing in the background, thinking how did I EVER get so lucky. In that moment, I was content.  It strikes me that these peaceful still mornings will not last forever. I think If I could just bottle up this total content, still feeling for the inevitable hysteria that comes a long with teenage-dom. Just take a quick breath of contentedness while she's being pissed at me because I won't let her go anywhere that's not within my sight.

While I know this is not possible (the keeping her in my sight forever) I wish so badly that it was. I read these two incredible touching, incredibly sad stories about parents losing their babies (one pregnant with twins - read here. With a link to another story about a nine year old being swept away by a flooding creek - read here. Every time I read stories like this, the tears roll down my cheeks. Ever since I've become a Mom the tears come way easier. My brothers thought I was a cry baby when I was younger, take a look at me now guys - I'm a faucet!

I know how much my body just bursts with love when I think about, see, hear, feel, (etc.) Lily or anything that has to do with her. I can only imagine the terrifying notion that I would not be able to do any of that ever again. She wouldn't come up to me and push me away from the computer or the counter or whatever I'm doing to hand me a book "saying" - Mom, stop what you're doing and hang out with me for a minute. She's so persistent about it too, it's so endearing. She won't stop until I pry myself away from dishes, homework, or (I'll admit it) facebook. I love her for that. I won't have those moments forever. I LOVE HER FOR IT. She wouldn't grin and wave when I wake her up in the morning to spend a few minutes with Brandon before he leaves for work in the morning. She wouldn't do that breathless, excited...noise (I don't even know what to call it, but I'll know what I'm talking about) that she makes when she's overly excited about anything, but mostly about being outside and being able to walk/run/toddle (a word? - again, I know what I mean) along outside. She wouldn't wave at me when she's getting buckled in her car seat and I'm waiting outside the car (my door has to be opened from the inside because my car is old and falling apart). She wouldn't totally ignore me when I'm saying "Bye-Bye" when I'm getting ready to head into Wegmans because she doesn't want me to go. I could go on and on.

So, anyways - WHAT IF? What if I make that one decision to let her do something, that I can't take back and GOD FORBID something happens? Also, how did I survive my childhood?! I roamed the neighborhood hours on end growing up. I would leave in the morning and not come back until dusk. I really don't want to be one of those over bearing, crazy parents, but how can I not be? I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time and see how things go.

I love you Lily bug - and I hope upon hope that I never have to say that What If - that you will live a blessed life of love and happiness - find your soulmate, give me a ton of grandbabies, and live happily ever after.

I know it's blurry, but she is who I live for. I live for that smile, that grin, that pure happiness. I love my girly so much. She is such a blessing. Okay, I'm going to stop before I drive myself crazy. Have a great day!

Updates

[Lilybelle] She has started to blow kisses. Well, it's really more of putting the palm of her hand against her mouth, but she's getting there. It's so cute. She's not big on hugging or being held by people other than Brandon and I, so blowing kisses is a good way to show affection from afar.

[Transitions] The last few days I've been really noticing how she's transitioning into a full blown toddler. She's starting to do things for herself (wanting to do things for herself). She's outgrowing her bath chair, which makes me nervous but her long legs get stuck when I try to take her out. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't and is not afraid to tell me.

[Potty Training] We're still working on potty training. She's really doing it herself, with little effort on our part besides actually putting her up there and keeping her occupied until she goes. I think once she's really letting me know she needs to go potty, I'll be getting her some undies and we can start that transition.

[Weaning] Speaking of transitions, we're starting to wean her off of the bottle and milk. For two days in a row, she's gone down with a cup rather than her bottle and seems to be doing even better than she did with a bottle. It's more the milk I'm concerned about. With Brandon's teeth being so bad, I want to give her every possible advantage I can. So I've decided that every week we're going to start watering down her milk a little more, so eventually she's just having water at bedtime.

["Brushing"] She's "brushing" her teeth. Which really means she sucks the toothpaste off the tooth brush and is done. She's more interested in brushing my teeth than her own. I know that this is just practice and she'll get it. The only thing is, she associates being on the potty with brushing her teeth so every time she gets on the potty, she wants to brush her teeth. Usually I can head off a fit if I distract her, but sometimes I just have to get her down because she only wanted to be up there to get her toothbrush.

[Lots of Love for dada] Since I've started to work at Wegman's at night, she's been bonding with Brandon. She's way more affectionate with him. She's super excited when he gets home from work, runs up to him and gives him a hug and kisses. I know Brandon absolutely loves it.

[Saying Goodbye] So when I or Brandon have to leave for work, Lily doesn't like it. She won't even look at me when I'm saying "bye" because she doesn't want me to go (same with Brandon). So she just ignores us until we're out of sight and then she'll start blowing kisses and waving. It's like she thinks "If I don't say bye and wave then maybe they won't go". It's so cute, but at the same time very sad.

[Work] So work is very slow. It doesn't take four hours to do what I need to do. So I get my kicks by people watching. I'm not used to seeing people on a regular basis. I know that sounds sad and weird, yeah, ok it's sad and weird. Either way, now that I'm in contact with people more I remember how weird people are. I saw a lady yesterday with a full on body suit. Now, I'm not judging, really. It just astounded me. Good for her for having the confidence to go out of the house like that. Anyways, I've always enjoyed people watching and now I get to do it for sixteen hours a week. Whoo hoo.

16 Months

Lilybelle,
You are officially 16 months, kiddo! Even though you are determined to give your poor mom a heart attack by being the most fearless child I know, you've made it this far.

I'm not sure why I like this photo so much but it's probably one of my favorites. It shows you perfectly at the stage you are at. Curious about everything and determined to figure it out. You love playing with all of your shoes. Un-fastening them, re-fastening them. Every day you have your couple minutes with the shoes and we end up finding them all over the house.

We had a pediatrician appointment the other day. They always have to recheck your head circumference and height because you are tall and have a large head. Luckily you're still in the normal range for head circumference and your height isn't worrisome (really, that's how you spell it? That looks super goofy). You had four shots and you howled like normal. It makes me almost cry every time when your cry gets stuck in your throat it wants to come out so bad. Luckily you are usually fine by the time you hit the car.

You still love Mickey Mouse the best. You also love Elmo and Scout. You love to shake that booty and it cracks me up to no end! You're the best dancer I've ever seen, that's for sure. You are very smart, even if you're not verbalizing everything, you're trying and doing more every day. The pediatrician said not to worry about it.

I love you more than you could ever know. You are such a GOOD girl (and I'm not just saying that). You have seven teeth. Your four top and now three on the bottom. You sleep through the night pretty much every night unless your teeth are bothering you.

Because I've been working at Wegman's and dada has been putting you to sleep a lot, I can definitely tell you've been closer with him and it's so very sweet to see. You are giving hugs and kisses easier these days which I LOVE. When dada gets home from work, you always run up to him and give him hugs and kisses, which after a long day at work I know just melts his heart. You are better than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams girl and I'm so very lucky to call you mine.

xoxo mama xoxo

Being thankful for what you have

I'm getting back to my happy place. I'm a happy person by nature, I've always been. It's one of the things that people most comment on. I've always had these periods (haha, not speaking of my menstrual cycle although I'm sure that has a little to do with it) where I go through an unhappy phase, where everything makes me sad and I'm constantly on the verge of depression. The fact that I can feel this and understand it does not help. I immerse myself in my unhappiness, dwell in it, and it consumes me. Anything and everything that could, does upset me. I hold onto it like a shield, I figure if I'm miserable already, then nothing can hurt or disappoint me. Then it could just be one little thing. One little glimmer of hope, of happiness that snaps me out of it. Yesterday was that day for me. I'm not even sure what it was, but I just started thinking positively, knowing that everything will work itself out and be ok.

Just for the record, I know I'm a serial comma user. I understand this and still can not help it. I apologize in advance if my poor comma usage annoys you. It annoys me sometimes, but oh well.

[Brandon] We have our moments that we're at each other's throats and just can't even look at each other without wanting to yell. We've been together for seven years, married for two. I think a big part of why we work well together is that we appreciate the little things. A please and thank you go a long way in keeping the peace. When I get in my "moods" I forget that those matter, and in turn Brandon does too. Then we get past it, and I find my coffee all set up for me in the morning when I've had a long night and I thank heaven that I have a thoughtful husband. We both have our own issues, things that drive the other bonkers. The bottom line is that we work well together and we love our daughter more than words could ever describe. When I see that love and feel that emotion towards her, I know I got a good great one. It makes me remember why we fell in love in the first place and begins to get me out of my funk. Seriously, "please" and "thank you" make all the difference in the world. Sometimes, a little appreciation is all someone needs, a little acknowledgement.

Things aren't easy right now. We are transitioning to a life we've never had before, and that is difficult for us. We've been doing the same thing for seven years now, so it's been difficult and scary to get used to this different life. To say money is tight is the understatement of the century, but we're figuring it out and we're going to fix it. We're doing what we need to do in order to stay afloat. It's going to be a long, hard journey, but well worth it. I just need to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel and not let myself get bogged down by the individual hardships.

I think that is what got me out of this latest funk. I took a step outside my life for a moment and realized that in a month, in a year, this is just going to be one spec of the journey and the hardship will be well worth it. For when I am done with my degree and can find that kickass dream job, or even start my own business, it will all be well worth it. You need struggles in life to keep you focused. If it's easy, it's not worth it, right?

Okay, so some updates. I got the job at Wegmans! Woohoo. That is going to help us considerably. It's not a ton of money or a ton of hours but it will fit in nicely with my school schedule. I had orientation last night, which is always lame and boring but I got through it. I have computer training tonight and they'll give me my schedule.

We had Brandon's birthday party/Jade's Sweet 16. It's always fun getting the family together. We are all so close, and I'm glad that Lilybelle sees her cousin's so often. Since she doesn't have a sibling (yet? well, not for a LONG while) I really want to develop her relationships with her cousins.

So 25 more days before I start school...EEK! I know I can do it, starting and staying motivated are going to be my biggest challenges but I have the best motivator there is: Lily. I want her to see that even if you don't succeed the first try, you always have the ability to try again and if you do your very best and work your very hardest, you will triumph. I want to be the best role model I can be, in every way. I don't want her to inherit my "moods". I want her to inherit my good, because I do have a lot of good. I'm smart, capable, and very hard working. I want her to know that there will be hard times, disappointments, and hurt - but that you can overcome that and get past it and be better for it.

Okay, I'm done.

 

 Bottom line: I love my husband. I love my daughter. It could be a lot worse and I'm going to be thankful for what I have, not miserable about the things that I don't.